It's the busiest time of year for mailing, and everyone's patience is wearing thin. To help us move things along at the Post Office and to get you in and out quickly, to keep the line moving, and to help us serve you better, here are a few guidelines:
1. Don't request "snail mail". Snails are dormant this time of year.
2. Don't request "slow boat to China". We do not outsource our jobs to China.
3. Don't ask for "regular mail". All our mail gets plenty of fiber. None of it is irregular.
4. Don't ask to get something overseas "as quickly as possible" and then exclaim "no no no!" when you hear the price for Global Express Guaranteed.
5. Don't try to haggle with the clerk. If the clerk tells you that an item will cost $8.05 to mail, for example, then it's going to cost $8.05. Clerks and individual Post Offices don't arbitrarily set prices. We can't give you "a better deal". You are free to check out a local private mailing facility; they charge a hefty surcharge on anything you send through them.
6. Don't ask for "Pony Express". The financial condition of the postal service has made it impossible for us to maintain our herd of ponies. Congressman Darrell Issa came out and shot them all. Damn shame. There were some fine ponies.
7. Don't tell me that you don't want "any of those Muslim stamps" or "any of those black stamps". I don't have any tolerance for bigots.
8. Don't ask me to tape up your package or to give you free tape. I'm not allowed to do that. I will be happy to sell you some packing tape, but we can't give away what we sell. If you have seen another clerk somewhere tape up your package, it's not because I'm a hard nosed bitch but because that clerk is doing something they shouldn't.
9. Don't complain about the length of the line. If you would like to be in a shorter line, get everyone in the line to move one giant step closer to the person in front of them. This will significantly decrease the length of the line.
10. Don't stand in the lobby complaining. No one likes waiting in line or filling out forms. Make the best of your time. Start a singalong in the lobby with your fellow customers, or perhaps a rousing game of Duck Duck Goose.
Thank you for using the US Postal Service. Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Joyous Kwanzaa, Blessed holidays!
In solidarity,
Maria
